I cried today ...watching dance
of all the times of grief and and sadness with my floating
this brought me to my knees ,
The emotion that welled up inside was a watershed of all the hopes and dreams i had for my life .
I loved to dance .
to have that freeom of movement and lightness , its uplifting and pure .
im going to dance again one day .........
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Again.............
The tape ran out
in my head
again .......
The merry-go-round started playing it's tune ...that eerie msystical melody
again
Oh head what have you done
again
Word's gone but so clear on my head, with the damn music and the wonky leg ......
it's like lead
again
Home , home I want to go home ....
to my self
again .
in my head
again .......
The merry-go-round started playing it's tune ...that eerie msystical melody
again
Oh head what have you done
again
Word's gone but so clear on my head, with the damn music and the wonky leg ......
it's like lead
again
Home , home I want to go home ....
to my self
again .
Sunday, February 19, 2012
It's been so long ,......and life well life has been ...
so very okay ,isn't it weird for me to say that ! well maybe not because this is after ,after the terrible events ,the events that made me mad ,and not angry mad ... just mad , insanity if you like
either perceived or otherwise I felt like a mad woman , like a bag lady you see on the street with the toothless grin or the mad womens smile ,who you cross over to the other side of the street to get away from .....
there's some irony for you too ,as I never did, I never avoided them ,ever! but I felt like someone so isolated from the so called norm ,a mad woman who lost her place ......in our so called ,real ,normal world.
oh to feel so normal now ...and I know I 'm jumping the gun , is so ,so spectacular and that sounds so dramatic but its true , or , it is my expereince and it's wonderful , I feel ,well thats just it , I feel like me ... or nearly ,, I take a look around me and I just breathe , a breath like nothing else , I stood in the sea with waves splashing over my feet and I laughed and put my hands up in the air and said YES!! . and more treatment may be ahead of me , but I'm breathing now and life is good .........
either perceived or otherwise I felt like a mad woman , like a bag lady you see on the street with the toothless grin or the mad womens smile ,who you cross over to the other side of the street to get away from .....
there's some irony for you too ,as I never did, I never avoided them ,ever! but I felt like someone so isolated from the so called norm ,a mad woman who lost her place ......in our so called ,real ,normal world.
oh to feel so normal now ...and I know I 'm jumping the gun , is so ,so spectacular and that sounds so dramatic but its true , or , it is my expereince and it's wonderful , I feel ,well thats just it , I feel like me ... or nearly ,, I take a look around me and I just breathe , a breath like nothing else , I stood in the sea with waves splashing over my feet and I laughed and put my hands up in the air and said YES!! . and more treatment may be ahead of me , but I'm breathing now and life is good .........
Monday, February 6, 2012
Soaring ............to........
You .you , You .well you .......
I can't stand it
sometimes it rises up just like a storm ,a storm that comes with a powerful rage
A rage that grips the sides of my soul ,
while I'm writhing and twisting ,trying to let go .
I try to come back from it's terrible grip' the floating is now driving to let itself known .
I'm coming to surface
with eyes of fear , my arms are waving and trying to break through
the feeling s of hatefulness rise as as I wake ,because now I know what's coming in the light of the
dawn.
My headaches have started ,the sickness is here. .
I can't stand it
sometimes it rises up just like a storm ,a storm that comes with a powerful rage
A rage that grips the sides of my soul ,
while I'm writhing and twisting ,trying to let go .
I try to come back from it's terrible grip' the floating is now driving to let itself known .
I'm coming to surface
with eyes of fear , my arms are waving and trying to break through
the feeling s of hatefulness rise as as I wake ,because now I know what's coming in the light of the
dawn.
My headaches have started ,the sickness is here. .
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Changes and Strangeness............
When you know you have lost a few hours in the day , after you've got up from the chair , and looked up at the time
It starts to really play on your mind .
I'd watch other people ,looking purposeful and busy ,and think , they were so, so lucky ....
then I'd change heads and for the rest of the time ........I was the other people .
Except for the left and right confusion, and the head rolling night .
Floating
Elastic being pulled ,one head up ,one head down ,imagine the pull ....like chewing gum .
your hand comes up to push one side down . left or right , to swirling and spinning around
and around .
I want to just stop it ,the pushing and pulling .
so I float free ......on a carpet ,softly ,up and down, up and down ....holding my feet for anchor ............
flying
back to earth .
Friday, February 3, 2012
Drivng Miss Crazy .........
I forgot how to drive . This as I remember it, was the sit up and take note .
If I'd just remembered to write the dam note ...... it would have been quicker to start the process of lump sitting there ,growing and growing and it not letting me know ,why oh why didn't it keep letting me know? instead of waiting until I got in the car , driving along and stopping ...you would think I' d go home once I remembered again to use the dam pedal which just before was just something lying around ....to taunt me ......
You'd think that the safety of my son and others would make me go home and ring someone '........
but I'd walk in the door and put dinner on .......no thought ,or reminder or memory or sign ,I just put the dam dinner on . ......talk about ,' lights out there ain't nobody home ..'
.It was my son , my little man who has seen such a lot . with his mother going somewhere ,some days too far ,that he'd look at me in puzzlement and ask .'.you okay mum? ...'......
It was our date night ,a night at the moveis to see CARS he was bubbling with excitement , as I was too ,
We drove into the car park and drove to the top , and then the car
stopped , I looked at him and
he looked at me ,he said ' member mum ,put it in park we will wait for you do the pedal , see we are stopped ,' ..I looked at him in wonder, I so remember that , and did as he said ......my foot was ready and I started again ..we drove to the park and we breathed ... . it was only a few seconds as it always seemed, but with my boy saying what he said to me , I knew ,I just knew ,I would keep this memory
We had a great night with nothing more ,chatted about the movie and got to the door ,I walked on inside and got out my book to write me the note ...to remember .
one more drive to the doctor with no more stops after i had 2 days of school ,shopping and errands with mum , knowing it would all soon come clear . I was told to stop driving directly after a neurological test and drove to mums ,told her what happend and she drove me on home .
This was the start of the of the lump being found and soon no more floating , I would come to the ground .
*Dedicated to Tiare * I love you.
.
If I'd just remembered to write the dam note ...... it would have been quicker to start the process of lump sitting there ,growing and growing and it not letting me know ,why oh why didn't it keep letting me know? instead of waiting until I got in the car , driving along and stopping ...you would think I' d go home once I remembered again to use the dam pedal which just before was just something lying around ....to taunt me ......
You'd think that the safety of my son and others would make me go home and ring someone '........
but I'd walk in the door and put dinner on .......no thought ,or reminder or memory or sign ,I just put the dam dinner on . ......talk about ,' lights out there ain't nobody home ..'
.It was my son , my little man who has seen such a lot . with his mother going somewhere ,some days too far ,that he'd look at me in puzzlement and ask .'.you okay mum? ...'......
It was our date night ,a night at the moveis to see CARS he was bubbling with excitement , as I was too ,
We drove into the car park and drove to the top , and then the car
stopped , I looked at him and
he looked at me ,he said ' member mum ,put it in park we will wait for you do the pedal , see we are stopped ,' ..I looked at him in wonder, I so remember that , and did as he said ......my foot was ready and I started again ..we drove to the park and we breathed ... . it was only a few seconds as it always seemed, but with my boy saying what he said to me , I knew ,I just knew ,I would keep this memory
We had a great night with nothing more ,chatted about the movie and got to the door ,I walked on inside and got out my book to write me the note ...to remember .
one more drive to the doctor with no more stops after i had 2 days of school ,shopping and errands with mum , knowing it would all soon come clear . I was told to stop driving directly after a neurological test and drove to mums ,told her what happend and she drove me on home .
This was the start of the of the lump being found and soon no more floating , I would come to the ground .
*Dedicated to Tiare * I love you.
.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Away , away ,...... from me .......
I'd put something down and forget where I had left it'''''''
away from 'me'
I start to talk to somone and with a jolt I'd realise the thought I had , had totally gone....... away from me
I'd trip down the stairs to go outside and madly grab the rail as I felt myself fall ,like a little old lady worried about her brittle bones ...terrified ..........away from me
I'd put a pot of rice on the stove stove and walk off and leave it until the smoke alarm beeped
-stopped cooking rice pretty quick '
away from me ........
Stopped cooking and cleaning and preening and ..well being me '
That me on the couch at 5 pm sleeping so deeply was......... going away from me
to the night times of floating of trying to surface from the suffocating fog that surrounded her, twisting and turning and whirling her body so she would not come back to the confusion and sadness of the first light of dawn ,that instance of awareness , I always yearned for a sign that it would just be a normal day ,but
I kept going......... away from'me'
away from 'me'
I start to talk to somone and with a jolt I'd realise the thought I had , had totally gone....... away from me
I'd trip down the stairs to go outside and madly grab the rail as I felt myself fall ,like a little old lady worried about her brittle bones ...terrified ..........away from me
I'd put a pot of rice on the stove stove and walk off and leave it until the smoke alarm beeped
-stopped cooking rice pretty quick '
away from me ........
Stopped cooking and cleaning and preening and ..well being me '
That me on the couch at 5 pm sleeping so deeply was......... going away from me
to the night times of floating of trying to surface from the suffocating fog that surrounded her, twisting and turning and whirling her body so she would not come back to the confusion and sadness of the first light of dawn ,that instance of awareness , I always yearned for a sign that it would just be a normal day ,but
I kept going......... away from'me'
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
My Saving Grace .......
I had a saviour over this time ,if it wasn't for this Angel and yes I 'll call her an angel as she does shimmer with brightness and looks gorgeous in white
My Chris ,my friend has rung me every morning for as long as I have had my cancer .
The mornings after the night' s with the head that rolled ,with the weird walk roll,when I was floating then drowning ,and spinning ,with shadows of black and grey. The mornings when the thing at the end would. not.work.
The phone would ring and I would get up to answer.....it was like magic sometimes......
'Good morning Gorgeous ',she would say ...and my day was brighter insatantly .
She never knew how bad it was ,but remember I didn''t either.
This brain of mine could wipe things out as quick as a wave swallowing the sand .
So my saviour girl
Thankyou xx
My Chris ,my friend has rung me every morning for as long as I have had my cancer .
The mornings after the night' s with the head that rolled ,with the weird walk roll,when I was floating then drowning ,and spinning ,with shadows of black and grey. The mornings when the thing at the end would. not.work.
The phone would ring and I would get up to answer.....it was like magic sometimes......
'Good morning Gorgeous ',she would say ...and my day was brighter insatantly .
She never knew how bad it was ,but remember I didn''t either.
This brain of mine could wipe things out as quick as a wave swallowing the sand .
So my saviour girl
Thankyou xx
Something may be not quite right ?
I started to have this strange routine when I was preparing for bed ,I had 6 pillows , my nice white pillows, these had to be placed in a certain way ......perfectly , this was winter time too so I had an extra little blanket ,a bright colurful one too ,I could still handle colour I guess back then ,but the sheets and pillow cases had to be white , but I was always cold ,because I couldn't handle anymore than that one blanket ,I' d lie there really really cold sometimes just staring into space thinking to my self I'm cold and I woudnt do anything about it .
I talk about pillows a lot, and this is why, as somehow I
knew if I wasnt comfortable on them I thought I would drown in them ...you'd think I wouldnt want them so soft? crazy . The silly thing is, is that I hardly moved in bed anymore because I'd also stopped sleeping on my side ,this made me feel ill ,really, really ill ,waves and waves of nausea ,I found some anti nausea meds and stated popping them like lollies .
Anything to keep that sickness away ,esp before bed and then again after the night ,what came to be called my' morning sickness '. I'd wake up sometimes so stiff and so sore , I'd lie there for a while trying to move ,and it was like my body was stuck ,I'd send a thought out to my right side ,and my left would do it instead , In my head ,I thought I looked all twisted up ,the arm over my head and my leg all skewed around . In reality I looked quite normal ,I know this, as a lot of the time Tiare had come in the room and there was no look of surprise on his face at his mother all twisted into an odd shape even though every time I was waiting for him to say something because I was convinced I looked weird.
Yes something wasn't quite right .............
I talk about pillows a lot, and this is why, as somehow I
knew if I wasnt comfortable on them I thought I would drown in them ...you'd think I wouldnt want them so soft? crazy . The silly thing is, is that I hardly moved in bed anymore because I'd also stopped sleeping on my side ,this made me feel ill ,really, really ill ,waves and waves of nausea ,I found some anti nausea meds and stated popping them like lollies .
Anything to keep that sickness away ,esp before bed and then again after the night ,what came to be called my' morning sickness '. I'd wake up sometimes so stiff and so sore , I'd lie there for a while trying to move ,and it was like my body was stuck ,I'd send a thought out to my right side ,and my left would do it instead , In my head ,I thought I looked all twisted up ,the arm over my head and my leg all skewed around . In reality I looked quite normal ,I know this, as a lot of the time Tiare had come in the room and there was no look of surprise on his face at his mother all twisted into an odd shape even though every time I was waiting for him to say something because I was convinced I looked weird.
Yes something wasn't quite right .............
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
White ......all consuming white ...........
I found white ,not just the name ,or the beauty, but the absolutness of it. I look at white, y head expands ,taking it in .I am calm and there's little lights sparkling -like you see at night looking at the line of the horizon of night lights flickering over a calm dark sea.
I inhale white......white furniture ,white cotton sheets with soft pillow cases ,my antique white ones ,the ones that give me comfort for a night of floating . the ones that cover my soft ,soft pillows that I grab on to to centre my head ,the head that rolls with the weird walk roll .
White sand , I coud look at it forever - shining ,shining white ,white , sand with the specks of gold shimmering all the way to beyond .
Angels ,those ,cute littleangels you buy for a treat I give mine to special little people ,so they can have my white too ,to guide them xx
So many good and beautiful things discovered .
My Floating isn't all bad ,
if I can have this .................
I inhale white......white furniture ,white cotton sheets with soft pillow cases ,my antique white ones ,the ones that give me comfort for a night of floating . the ones that cover my soft ,soft pillows that I grab on to to centre my head ,the head that rolls with the weird walk roll .
White sand , I coud look at it forever - shining ,shining white ,white , sand with the specks of gold shimmering all the way to beyond .
Angels ,those ,cute littleangels you buy for a treat I give mine to special little people ,so they can have my white too ,to guide them xx
So many good and beautiful things discovered .
My Floating isn't all bad ,
if I can have this .................
To Wake Up Singing ........
I guess sometimes my mornings weren't/aren't all bad .......I wake up singing sometimes ,more now as I'm not floating anymore (more about that sometime) .It is my speaking in tongues thing I guess, but as I like singing and some say I have quite nice voice ,it doesnt really phase me ...I know it seems strange but I have learnt to embrace some of the new me , otherwise where do I go ? me I mean ,getting lost in another side of personality is a confusing and scary place ,so I guess to pick the good bits out is a healing thing to do .
I open my eyes, and out comes ;hyla myla ,tyla seela ,effy nae nae , ista tynae ,effaa nyla , ....see my own language ! and its sung in a tune of ..well I know the tune and you all will to but don't know how to write up the score , kinda like this la laa la la , lala lala ,la la la laa ,la lala la laa laa lala over and over again for about 2mins? ,sorry it looks and sounds weird but I think the weirdness is ,that it's the words ,I mean who hasn't woken up singing in their lives huh? hey I'm embarraseed looking at what I' ve written ,but its singing and no one hears me , /tiare wouldnt have a clue ,and I never sing,I whisper if I think someone may hear me . Well now you all know~ but just think of me being okay with it and I will be okay with you all thinking OMG .
See the headaches are still there when I wake ,so a bit of calming singing is good for me untill the meds kick in , the brain is a powerful ,thing ,and my brain ,my new ,or fixed brain shows me ways of coping , I loathe the bad heads ,but they are kept at bay all helped by little srtategies to let me live with the changes .I love my brain now post op , Lump you really were a pain in the ass! .........
I open my eyes, and out comes ;hyla myla ,tyla seela ,effy nae nae , ista tynae ,effaa nyla , ....see my own language ! and its sung in a tune of ..well I know the tune and you all will to but don't know how to write up the score , kinda like this la laa la la , lala lala ,la la la laa ,la lala la laa laa lala over and over again for about 2mins? ,sorry it looks and sounds weird but I think the weirdness is ,that it's the words ,I mean who hasn't woken up singing in their lives huh? hey I'm embarraseed looking at what I' ve written ,but its singing and no one hears me , /tiare wouldnt have a clue ,and I never sing,I whisper if I think someone may hear me . Well now you all know~ but just think of me being okay with it and I will be okay with you all thinking OMG .
See the headaches are still there when I wake ,so a bit of calming singing is good for me untill the meds kick in , the brain is a powerful ,thing ,and my brain ,my new ,or fixed brain shows me ways of coping , I loathe the bad heads ,but they are kept at bay all helped by little srtategies to let me live with the changes .I love my brain now post op , Lump you really were a pain in the ass! .........
Causing Trouble .............
The Dairy Incident ...........I went to the dairy over the road ,like I do at least once a day , (lollies !! )
Now remember ,I was getting things twisted as heck ,anyway I chose my lollies and went to pay , the dairy owner was on the phone an
d I was waiting , ,now this is where the madness starts , all of a sudden I thought I dont have the right card ,and I want some coffee, and I think I need milk, and oh god which bloody card have I got .? I walked to get coffee ,I had a browse at something else had a wee chat to someone walking past ,dwadling really ..then went back to the counter ..he started to do the transaction and I whipped around ,put the lollies back and decided I think, to go back and get more money ....I had coffee in my hand ? paid for and no lollies ...I walked out of the shop and I heard him call me back...to ask did I pay for the lollies ....I yelled at him 'If you weren't on the bloody phone you would have been concentrating and seen I put the lollies back, you idiot and if you think I'm coming back to your shop you have another think coming he yelled' good! dont come back .' ..and I came home and told my flatemate and tiare , they agreed with me I was right to do what I did ,,,,I even put it up on fb as a funny scene and saying I was more than within my right s as he treated me so badly etc and you all agreed too ! .what you dont know and what has come back to me ...he was actully waiting for me to make up my mind .....and I guess he asked about the lollies as well,, I guess he had every right to and he was probably soo over waiting for me . Time goes in weird blocks for me even now but it was worse then . I should have wondered when tiare said to me what took you so long? I said 'what ?I'd only been there a few minutes ,it was more like almost half an hour ...............ps ....dairy people and I get on great again ...I explained about the lump they said they wondered if something was wrong ,he also apologised and yep he WAS wondering how much longer I was going to be!
So there's a big confession ..........and sorry to all those who agreed with me ....lets blame the lump .....it wasn't me !
Monday, January 30, 2012
The thing at the end ........
This above all was my first "What the ? " I think ....I need to explain, a lot of what I'm writing now is memories from now ,if that makes sense . I'm writing as something pops into my head ,if i didn't write it there and then the thought s would be gone . Nothing will really be in sequence ,or then again it might ! are you beginning to see how this ole brain of mine works! or not ! as the case may be .
See there I go ,going on.....nearly lost the thought about the thing at the end .
O f course its my foot ,my little white foot! ..........................
I'm going up and down putting my hand up ,pulling pulling on air ,all my right side now has gone all airy fairy waving and splitting , my god I wanna wake up ,its pulling too much ,wave, whisper ,wave ,whisper ,rollling , whisper, whisper ,whispe,r WHISPER ,I'm grabbing my face twisting it down , ,it wont turn ,please please turn , ...now it' s heavy dragging me down ,heavy so heavy ,I m opening my mouth trying to get air ...can't breathe ,come on ,please let me go I want to wake up ......
Could not move when I did for what seemed like ages...The Morning thing ... I went to put my foot on the floor and I felt nothing ,no feeling in it what so ever ,I tapped it ,I shook it ,I asked what it was!!! ,it was really cold too ,but I couldnt stand ,like trying one high shoe on ,and trying to walk ,I think it only took a couple of minuites for it to get the feeling back ,and I think I had no more problems all that day ,but this happened most mornings after .untill the worst times when it became more random and not just after a night of floating .
See there I go ,going on.....nearly lost the thought about the thing at the end .
O f course its my foot ,my little white foot! ..........................
I'm going up and down putting my hand up ,pulling pulling on air ,all my right side now has gone all airy fairy waving and splitting , my god I wanna wake up ,its pulling too much ,wave, whisper ,wave ,whisper ,rollling , whisper, whisper ,whispe,r WHISPER ,I'm grabbing my face twisting it down , ,it wont turn ,please please turn , ...now it' s heavy dragging me down ,heavy so heavy ,I m opening my mouth trying to get air ...can't breathe ,come on ,please let me go I want to wake up ......
Could not move when I did for what seemed like ages...The Morning thing ... I went to put my foot on the floor and I felt nothing ,no feeling in it what so ever ,I tapped it ,I shook it ,I asked what it was!!! ,it was really cold too ,but I couldnt stand ,like trying one high shoe on ,and trying to walk ,I think it only took a couple of minuites for it to get the feeling back ,and I think I had no more problems all that day ,but this happened most mornings after .untill the worst times when it became more random and not just after a night of floating .
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The bowel bag blues ............
yep I was a bit weird anyway ,or this body of mine is . Looks horrible written doesn't it ? but it's real ,my life , my pain in the ass ......or stomach as the case may be
Aye ILEOSTOMY !
I started ignoring it of course . Its on my right side with the arm of cellotape ,the leg of plastic ,and the thing at the end
time to empty , oh christ I don't know where the heck the s..t is suppossed to go
Tiare is waiting ,calling 'Mum hurry up'!
C an't show my tears.
there it's done
it makes me sick .
Absolute puzzlement ,this thing hardly phased me ,I coped so well ,I just did what I did ,the only worry was having enough bags ,my standby ,change every 2 days ones.
but I'd be twisted in my clothes ,the right didn't want me to fit my things.
A flash of night floating comes to mind
the weird walk rolling and splitting of my head
I shake that off ,I don't want to know ..
School Run Time .........
I Can Hear Her, Him, Them ,They .........but...
Right ,they are talking about how to do something,
mmm mmm mmm mmm
What shall we have for dinner?
mmm mmm mmm mmm
Oh yes I agree
mmm mmm mmm mmm
Nod your head Kim ,Nod your bloody head ! ...there you go ! they are smiling --- Whew!
Don't pick up the cloth to clean !..look, you are a good listener . got a prize for it as school once .
mmm mmm mmm mmm
They look clown -like. Mouths opening and closing . Not being rude but they do....open close open close.
Imagine if there were four of them in a row...like those fairgrounds .
I hate fairgrounds ,but images are always in my head?
Strange
Where the music plays that creepy melody like they show on the movies .
You see an empty lot with one lone merry-go-round in it's garish colours and one horse is going up and down in a moonlit beam .
Fairgrounds Hmmm
Oh shoot they're getting up ! what have I said?!
Whew they are smiling !
I did good .............
mmm mmm mmm mmm
What shall we have for dinner?
mmm mmm mmm mmm
Oh yes I agree
mmm mmm mmm mmm
Nod your head Kim ,Nod your bloody head ! ...there you go ! they are smiling --- Whew!
Don't pick up the cloth to clean !..look, you are a good listener . got a prize for it as school once .
mmm mmm mmm mmm
They look clown -like. Mouths opening and closing . Not being rude but they do....open close open close.
Imagine if there were four of them in a row...like those fairgrounds .
I hate fairgrounds ,but images are always in my head?
Strange
Where the music plays that creepy melody like they show on the movies .
You see an empty lot with one lone merry-go-round in it's garish colours and one horse is going up and down in a moonlit beam .
Fairgrounds Hmmm
Oh shoot they're getting up ! what have I said?!
Whew they are smiling !
I did good .............
Day Time .......When the Coffee Cup Moves .......
There they are.......the little soldiers
March march march march
My wee ant army watching me standing there ,watching them, watching my coffee , watching
the sugar bowl .....watching me !
Little white dots All Over the bench top
I start making rivers in the white crystal sand with the USELESS teaspoon lying there like a big steel fly-over giving them a helping hand .
yep go on ,march ,march , march march
I know you tip it all over the place just to annoy me .
Coffee's Cold Again ..
March march march march
My wee ant army watching me standing there ,watching them, watching my coffee , watching
the sugar bowl .....watching me !
Little white dots All Over the bench top
I start making rivers in the white crystal sand with the USELESS teaspoon lying there like a big steel fly-over giving them a helping hand .
yep go on ,march ,march , march march
I know you tip it all over the place just to annoy me .
Coffee's Cold Again ..
A float with the Mostest
Coming thick and fast now ,memories of my floating ,it's like greeting an old friend ..a horrible pain in the butt old friend but familiar in a; being stuck in a fog again, and finding my way back type way .
We were flying ,but my hand ,the right hand kept slipping from his ,I was rollling, walking ,you know like the hunch back of Notre Dam(sp) he was running running , kept looking back ,and staring at something over my left shoulder ...the sense of urgency to follow him was so strong, but my head started the roll , I had to pull it together , I'd split again ....he hadnt noticed ...........I cry .......theres a corner coming up , I cant turn right , I yell in my head 'I' ll fall! ' he' s like a panther now ,his outline is a blur ...hes got my hand but not me ...... I 'm swirling so much , like a fairground Spinning top , but no colours, just whirs of black, white, and grey .....thank goodness . ,colours hurt ...he's all white like marble ,hair black , hair flying back ....he's beautiful ...and gone ......always goes and I float to the top to the left , to the left ........to grab my dream of my Mill .
We were flying ,but my hand ,the right hand kept slipping from his ,I was rollling, walking ,you know like the hunch back of Notre Dam(sp) he was running running , kept looking back ,and staring at something over my left shoulder ...the sense of urgency to follow him was so strong, but my head started the roll , I had to pull it together , I'd split again ....he hadnt noticed ...........I cry .......theres a corner coming up , I cant turn right , I yell in my head 'I' ll fall! ' he' s like a panther now ,his outline is a blur ...hes got my hand but not me ...... I 'm swirling so much , like a fairground Spinning top , but no colours, just whirs of black, white, and grey .....thank goodness . ,colours hurt ...he's all white like marble ,hair black , hair flying back ....he's beautiful ...and gone ......always goes and I float to the top to the left , to the left ........to grab my dream of my Mill .
A Morning , some mornings , all mornings? ? lots of mornings .........
My pillows weren't right , I could feel it as soon as the alarm did its beeping thing , my head,weird angle how that used to happen, I don't know , always made me think of that song 'To the left ,to the left ' god knows what it said after those words but yeah to the left to the left ...... reaching around to my pillows ...god what a miission .....I only had to use my arm ,but it was always stuck ..I dont know somewhere just stuck ....wave the arm ,which one ? I think the left ....yeah the left because the
old right was sitting there looking at me ....like a dead fat roll of cellotape actually ...some circles were there I think ...hey arm! yo ! I m a moving you now ...
Tiare has to go to school ya nut ! ...talking to arms ? but thats what we did me and arms ,,,,seemed normal .
OOh good pill time, god Kim you really have to sort out your pills !! you are talking to your arms..the stuck cellotape arms that look like cellotape with circles and and they lie there like ,well like they do .... okay arms we are off .
A ah shoot my back and the right thing on my side ..leg thats it ..buggar now it looks lke a long toilet roll ,glad wrap type thingy ..pills K im.....stand up , sit down ,cant feel the end of the bloody thing AND the head still on the left , think yay though Leg! god where Ha ve you been and How u doin ? pretty good now . thing at end ..yep moving .lol! I think
friends must have been good last night ...Yo
Joey ya helped me out there cheers .... and no don;t say ,J ust don't ..please dont .....S hit cant help it ....sklya macca moo ..oh f's sake where does that come from ? sklyla friffen macca moo ..insta looky, it s not Me its my mouth .. efsta naca noo ......... Choice....... speaking tongues .. .......walk out of the room NOW ...that stops it remember ....... deep breath .....TIARE TIME TO GET UP !!!!!! breaky in five ........... Arggh must have been a bad night ....all forgotten .........Hey bub I love you ,just going to have my pills .. . .... bang into door on the way to kitchen ...bugga must need new close up lenses for my specs .....put jug on .............
old right was sitting there looking at me ....like a dead fat roll of cellotape actually ...some circles were there I think ...hey arm! yo ! I m a moving you now ...
Tiare has to go to school ya nut ! ...talking to arms ? but thats what we did me and arms ,,,,seemed normal .
OOh good pill time, god Kim you really have to sort out your pills !! you are talking to your arms..the stuck cellotape arms that look like cellotape with circles and and they lie there like ,well like they do .... okay arms we are off .
A ah shoot my back and the right thing on my side ..leg thats it ..buggar now it looks lke a long toilet roll ,glad wrap type thingy ..pills K im.....stand up , sit down ,cant feel the end of the bloody thing AND the head still on the left , think yay though Leg! god where Ha ve you been and How u doin ? pretty good now . thing at end ..yep moving .lol! I think
friends must have been good last night ...Yo
Joey ya helped me out there cheers .... and no don;t say ,J ust don't ..please dont .....S hit cant help it ....sklya macca moo ..oh f's sake where does that come from ? sklyla friffen macca moo ..insta looky, it s not Me its my mouth .. efsta naca noo ......... Choice....... speaking tongues .. .......walk out of the room NOW ...that stops it remember ....... deep breath .....TIARE TIME TO GET UP !!!!!! breaky in five ........... Arggh must have been a bad night ....all forgotten .........Hey bub I love you ,just going to have my pills .. . .... bang into door on the way to kitchen ...bugga must need new close up lenses for my specs .....put jug on .............
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Floating .......Away from Me ........
I decided today that I am ready to write about my brain tumour ,who I will call the lump untill I have explained more about it .
I floated you know, every night for weeks and weeks ' First remembered time' ...........Imagine lying in bed and closing your eyes and you start, like whispers ,a wee roll then another and another ,untill all the whispery rolls are merging to become like waves and then you are floating ...... I put my hand up to stop it , but now my head has almost split to the left so one eye is up and one is down ..like an alien being , my hand is waving over my head now ,I' m dancing ,quite beautifully too ,, now I' ,m rolling to my side and my left side lines up ! yay symetry again ........ but the left is feeling like a tidal wave now and I struggle to lie flat ....flat means no floating for AGES .. I can breathe slowly and wait
for the next whisper ,but eyes wide open ......Its 11 05 pm ,I last looked at the clock at 11 PM .... ..It can't be .....I was that all night surely? the floating ..it was a nice dream!!! I was dancing .
I floated you know, every night for weeks and weeks ' First remembered time' ...........Imagine lying in bed and closing your eyes and you start, like whispers ,a wee roll then another and another ,untill all the whispery rolls are merging to become like waves and then you are floating ...... I put my hand up to stop it , but now my head has almost split to the left so one eye is up and one is down ..like an alien being , my hand is waving over my head now ,I' m dancing ,quite beautifully too ,, now I' ,m rolling to my side and my left side lines up ! yay symetry again ........ but the left is feeling like a tidal wave now and I struggle to lie flat ....flat means no floating for AGES .. I can breathe slowly and wait
for the next whisper ,but eyes wide open ......Its 11 05 pm ,I last looked at the clock at 11 PM .... ..It can't be .....I was that all night surely? the floating ..it was a nice dream!!! I was dancing .
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