It's been so long ,......and life well life has been ...

so very okay  ,isn't it weird for  me to say that !  well maybe not because this is after ,after the terrible events ,the events that made me mad  ,and not angry mad ... just mad , insanity if you like

either perceived or otherwise I felt like a mad woman , like a bag lady you see on the street with the toothless grin or the mad womens smile ,who you cross over to the other side of the street to get away from .....

there's some irony for you too ,as I never did, I never avoided them  ,ever! but I felt like someone so isolated from the so called norm ,a mad woman who lost her place ......in our so called ,real ,normal world.


oh to feel so normal now ...and I know I 'm jumping the gun  ,  is so ,so spectacular and that sounds so dramatic but its true ,  or , it is my expereince and it's wonderful ,  I feel ,well thats just it , I feel like me ... or nearly ,, I  take a look around me and I  just breathe , a breath like nothing else , I  stood in the sea with waves splashing  over my feet and I  laughed and put my hands up in the air and said YES!!  . and more treatment may be ahead of me ,  but I'm  breathing now and life is good .........



 

Soaring ............to........

You  .you   ,  You  .well you  .......

I can't stand it 

sometimes it rises up just like a storm  ,a storm that comes with a powerful rage

A rage   that grips the sides of my soul ,

while I'm writhing and twisting  ,trying to  let go .

I try to come back from it's terrible grip' the floating  is now driving to let itself known  .

I'm coming to surface 

with eyes of fear   , my arms are  waving and trying to break through 

the feeling s of hatefulness rise as as I wake  ,because now I know what's coming in the light of the

dawn.

My headaches have started ,the sickness is here.   .

Changes and Strangeness............

When you know  you have lost a few hours in the day    ,   after   you've got up from the chair , and looked up at the time

It   starts to really play on your mind .

I'd watch other people ,looking purposeful and busy ,and think  , they were so, so lucky ....

then I'd change heads and for the rest of the time  ........I was the other people .

Except for the left and right confusion, and the head rolling night .

Floating

Elastic being pulled ,one head up  ,one head down  ,imagine the pull ....like chewing gum  .

your hand comes up to push one side down  .  left or right  ,  to swirling  and spinning  around

and around .

I want to just stop it ,the pushing and pulling . 

so I float free ......on a carpet ,softly ,up and down,   up and down ....holding my feet for anchor ............

flying

back to earth .

Drivng Miss Crazy .........

I forgot how to drive .  This as I remember it,    was the sit up and take note  .

If  I'd   just remembered to write the dam  note ...... it would have been quicker  to start the process of lump sitting there ,growing and growing  and it not letting me know     ,why oh why didn't it keep letting me know?   instead of waiting until I  got in the car ,  driving along and stopping ...you would think I' d go home once I remembered  again to use the  dam pedal  which just before was just something lying around ....to taunt me ......

You'd think that the safety of my son and others would make  me go home and ring  someone '........

but I'd walk in the door and put dinner on .......no thought ,or reminder or memory or sign ,I just put the dam dinner on  . ......talk about ,'  lights out there ain't nobody home ..'

.It was my son , my little man who has  seen such a lot . with his mother going somewhere  ,some days too far ,that he'd  look at me in puzzlement  and ask .'.you okay mum? ...'......

It was our date night ,a night at the  moveis to see CARS he was bubbling with excitement , as I was too ,

We drove into the car park and drove to the top , and then the car
stopped , I looked at him  and

he looked at    me ,he said   ' member mum ,put it in park we will wait  for you  do the pedal ,  see we are stopped ,'  ..I looked at him in wonder, I so  remember that   ,  and did as he said ......my foot was ready and I started again ..we drove to the  park and we breathed ... . it was only a few seconds as it always seemed, but with my boy saying what he said to me ,  I  knew ,I  just knew ,I would keep this memory

We had a  great night with nothing more ,chatted about the movie and got to the door ,I walked on inside and got out my book to write me the note ...to remember . 

one more drive to the doctor with no  more stops after  i had 2 days of school ,shopping and errands with mum ,   knowing  it would all soon come clear . I was told to stop driving directly after a neurological test   and drove to mums ,told her what happend and she drove me on home .

This was the start of the of the lump being found and soon no more floating , I would come to the ground .

*Dedicated to Tiare * I love you.

.

Away , away ,...... from me .......

 I'd put something down and forget where  I had left it'''''''
away from 'me'

I  start to talk to somone and with a jolt I'd  realise the thought   I had , had totally gone....... away from me

I'd trip down the stairs to go outside and madly grab the rail as I felt myself fall ,like a little old lady worried about her brittle bones ...terrified ..........away from me


I'd put a pot of rice on the stove  stove and walk off and leave it until the smoke alarm beeped 
-stopped   cooking rice pretty quick '

away from me ........


Stopped     cooking and   cleaning and preening and ..well being me '

That me on the couch at 5 pm sleeping so deeply was......... going away from me

to  the night times of floating of trying to surface  from the suffocating fog that surrounded her, twisting and turning and whirling her body so she would not come back to the confusion and sadness of the first light of dawn ,that instance  of awareness  ,  I always  yearned  for a sign that it would just be  a normal day ,but

I kept going......... away from'me'

My Saving Grace .......

I had  a saviour over this time  ,if it wasn't for this Angel and yes I 'll call her an angel as she does shimmer  with brightness and looks gorgeous in white

My Chris ,my friend has rung me every morning for as long as I have had my cancer .

The mornings after the night' s with the head that rolled ,with the weird walk roll,when I was floating then drowning ,and spinning ,with shadows of black and grey. The mornings when the thing at the end would.  not.work. 

The phone would ring and I would get up to answer.....it was like magic sometimes......

'Good morning Gorgeous ',she would say ...and my day was brighter insatantly .

She never knew how bad it was ,but remember I didn''t either.

This brain of mine could wipe things out as quick as a wave swallowing the sand .

So my saviour girl

Thankyou xx

Something may be not quite right ?

I started to have this strange routine when I  was preparing for bed   ,I  had 6 pillows , my nice white pillows,   these had to be placed in a certain way ......perfectly  ,  this was winter time too so I  had an extra little blanket ,a bright colurful one too ,I   could still handle colour I guess back then ,but the sheets and pillow cases had to be white  ,  but I  was always cold ,because I  couldn't handle anymore than that one blanket ,I' d lie there really really cold sometimes just staring into space thinking to my self I'm cold and I  woudnt do anything about it .


I talk about pillows a lot, and this is why, as somehow I
 knew if I  wasnt comfortable on them I  thought I  would drown in them ...you'd think I  wouldnt want them so soft?  crazy . The silly thing is,  is that I  hardly moved in bed anymore because I'd  also stopped sleeping on my side ,this made me feel ill ,really,  really ill ,waves and waves of nausea ,I  found some anti  nausea meds and stated popping them like lollies  .

Anything to keep that sickness away ,esp before bed and then again after the night ,what came to be called my' morning sickness '. I'd wake up sometimes so stiff and so sore ,  I'd  lie there for a while trying to move ,and it was like my body was stuck   ,I'd    send a thought out to my right side ,and my left would do it instead  ,  In my head ,I  thought I looked all twisted up ,the arm over my head and my leg all skewed around .  In reality I  looked quite normal ,I  know this,  as a lot of the time Tiare had come in the room and there was no look of surprise on his face at his mother all twisted into an odd shape even though every time  I was waiting for him to say something because I was convinced I looked weird.

Yes something wasn't quite right .............