I started to have this strange routine when I was preparing for bed ,I had 6 pillows , my nice white pillows, these had to be placed in a certain way ......perfectly , this was winter time too so I had an extra little blanket ,a bright colurful one too ,I could still handle colour I guess back then ,but the sheets and pillow cases had to be white , but I was always cold ,because I couldn't handle anymore than that one blanket ,I' d lie there really really cold sometimes just staring into space thinking to my self I'm cold and I woudnt do anything about it .
I talk about pillows a lot, and this is why, as somehow I
knew if I wasnt comfortable on them I thought I would drown in them ...you'd think I wouldnt want them so soft? crazy . The silly thing is, is that I hardly moved in bed anymore because I'd also stopped sleeping on my side ,this made me feel ill ,really, really ill ,waves and waves of nausea ,I found some anti nausea meds and stated popping them like lollies .
Anything to keep that sickness away ,esp before bed and then again after the night ,what came to be called my' morning sickness '. I'd wake up sometimes so stiff and so sore , I'd lie there for a while trying to move ,and it was like my body was stuck ,I'd send a thought out to my right side ,and my left would do it instead , In my head ,I thought I looked all twisted up ,the arm over my head and my leg all skewed around . In reality I looked quite normal ,I know this, as a lot of the time Tiare had come in the room and there was no look of surprise on his face at his mother all twisted into an odd shape even though every time I was waiting for him to say something because I was convinced I looked weird.
Yes something wasn't quite right .............