I cried today ...watching dance
of all the times of grief and and sadness with my floating
this brought me to my knees ,
The emotion that welled up inside was a watershed of all the hopes and dreams i had for my life .
I loved to dance .
to have that freeom of movement and lightness , its uplifting and pure .
im going to dance again one day .........
Floating
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Again.............
The tape ran out
in my head
again .......
The merry-go-round started playing it's tune ...that eerie msystical melody
again
Oh head what have you done
again
Word's gone but so clear on my head, with the damn music and the wonky leg ......
it's like lead
again
Home , home I want to go home ....
to my self
again .
in my head
again .......
The merry-go-round started playing it's tune ...that eerie msystical melody
again
Oh head what have you done
again
Word's gone but so clear on my head, with the damn music and the wonky leg ......
it's like lead
again
Home , home I want to go home ....
to my self
again .
Sunday, February 19, 2012
It's been so long ,......and life well life has been ...
so very okay ,isn't it weird for me to say that ! well maybe not because this is after ,after the terrible events ,the events that made me mad ,and not angry mad ... just mad , insanity if you like
either perceived or otherwise I felt like a mad woman , like a bag lady you see on the street with the toothless grin or the mad womens smile ,who you cross over to the other side of the street to get away from .....
there's some irony for you too ,as I never did, I never avoided them ,ever! but I felt like someone so isolated from the so called norm ,a mad woman who lost her place ......in our so called ,real ,normal world.
oh to feel so normal now ...and I know I 'm jumping the gun , is so ,so spectacular and that sounds so dramatic but its true , or , it is my expereince and it's wonderful , I feel ,well thats just it , I feel like me ... or nearly ,, I take a look around me and I just breathe , a breath like nothing else , I stood in the sea with waves splashing over my feet and I laughed and put my hands up in the air and said YES!! . and more treatment may be ahead of me , but I'm breathing now and life is good .........
either perceived or otherwise I felt like a mad woman , like a bag lady you see on the street with the toothless grin or the mad womens smile ,who you cross over to the other side of the street to get away from .....
there's some irony for you too ,as I never did, I never avoided them ,ever! but I felt like someone so isolated from the so called norm ,a mad woman who lost her place ......in our so called ,real ,normal world.
oh to feel so normal now ...and I know I 'm jumping the gun , is so ,so spectacular and that sounds so dramatic but its true , or , it is my expereince and it's wonderful , I feel ,well thats just it , I feel like me ... or nearly ,, I take a look around me and I just breathe , a breath like nothing else , I stood in the sea with waves splashing over my feet and I laughed and put my hands up in the air and said YES!! . and more treatment may be ahead of me , but I'm breathing now and life is good .........
Monday, February 6, 2012
Soaring ............to........
You .you , You .well you .......
I can't stand it
sometimes it rises up just like a storm ,a storm that comes with a powerful rage
A rage that grips the sides of my soul ,
while I'm writhing and twisting ,trying to let go .
I try to come back from it's terrible grip' the floating is now driving to let itself known .
I'm coming to surface
with eyes of fear , my arms are waving and trying to break through
the feeling s of hatefulness rise as as I wake ,because now I know what's coming in the light of the
dawn.
My headaches have started ,the sickness is here. .
I can't stand it
sometimes it rises up just like a storm ,a storm that comes with a powerful rage
A rage that grips the sides of my soul ,
while I'm writhing and twisting ,trying to let go .
I try to come back from it's terrible grip' the floating is now driving to let itself known .
I'm coming to surface
with eyes of fear , my arms are waving and trying to break through
the feeling s of hatefulness rise as as I wake ,because now I know what's coming in the light of the
dawn.
My headaches have started ,the sickness is here. .
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Changes and Strangeness............
When you know you have lost a few hours in the day , after you've got up from the chair , and looked up at the time
It starts to really play on your mind .
I'd watch other people ,looking purposeful and busy ,and think , they were so, so lucky ....
then I'd change heads and for the rest of the time ........I was the other people .
Except for the left and right confusion, and the head rolling night .
Floating
Elastic being pulled ,one head up ,one head down ,imagine the pull ....like chewing gum .
your hand comes up to push one side down . left or right , to swirling and spinning around
and around .
I want to just stop it ,the pushing and pulling .
so I float free ......on a carpet ,softly ,up and down, up and down ....holding my feet for anchor ............
flying
back to earth .
Friday, February 3, 2012
Drivng Miss Crazy .........
I forgot how to drive . This as I remember it, was the sit up and take note .
If I'd just remembered to write the dam note ...... it would have been quicker to start the process of lump sitting there ,growing and growing and it not letting me know ,why oh why didn't it keep letting me know? instead of waiting until I got in the car , driving along and stopping ...you would think I' d go home once I remembered again to use the dam pedal which just before was just something lying around ....to taunt me ......
You'd think that the safety of my son and others would make me go home and ring someone '........
but I'd walk in the door and put dinner on .......no thought ,or reminder or memory or sign ,I just put the dam dinner on . ......talk about ,' lights out there ain't nobody home ..'
.It was my son , my little man who has seen such a lot . with his mother going somewhere ,some days too far ,that he'd look at me in puzzlement and ask .'.you okay mum? ...'......
It was our date night ,a night at the moveis to see CARS he was bubbling with excitement , as I was too ,
We drove into the car park and drove to the top , and then the car
stopped , I looked at him and
he looked at me ,he said ' member mum ,put it in park we will wait for you do the pedal , see we are stopped ,' ..I looked at him in wonder, I so remember that , and did as he said ......my foot was ready and I started again ..we drove to the park and we breathed ... . it was only a few seconds as it always seemed, but with my boy saying what he said to me , I knew ,I just knew ,I would keep this memory
We had a great night with nothing more ,chatted about the movie and got to the door ,I walked on inside and got out my book to write me the note ...to remember .
one more drive to the doctor with no more stops after i had 2 days of school ,shopping and errands with mum , knowing it would all soon come clear . I was told to stop driving directly after a neurological test and drove to mums ,told her what happend and she drove me on home .
This was the start of the of the lump being found and soon no more floating , I would come to the ground .
*Dedicated to Tiare * I love you.
.
If I'd just remembered to write the dam note ...... it would have been quicker to start the process of lump sitting there ,growing and growing and it not letting me know ,why oh why didn't it keep letting me know? instead of waiting until I got in the car , driving along and stopping ...you would think I' d go home once I remembered again to use the dam pedal which just before was just something lying around ....to taunt me ......
You'd think that the safety of my son and others would make me go home and ring someone '........
but I'd walk in the door and put dinner on .......no thought ,or reminder or memory or sign ,I just put the dam dinner on . ......talk about ,' lights out there ain't nobody home ..'
.It was my son , my little man who has seen such a lot . with his mother going somewhere ,some days too far ,that he'd look at me in puzzlement and ask .'.you okay mum? ...'......
It was our date night ,a night at the moveis to see CARS he was bubbling with excitement , as I was too ,
We drove into the car park and drove to the top , and then the car
stopped , I looked at him and
he looked at me ,he said ' member mum ,put it in park we will wait for you do the pedal , see we are stopped ,' ..I looked at him in wonder, I so remember that , and did as he said ......my foot was ready and I started again ..we drove to the park and we breathed ... . it was only a few seconds as it always seemed, but with my boy saying what he said to me , I knew ,I just knew ,I would keep this memory
We had a great night with nothing more ,chatted about the movie and got to the door ,I walked on inside and got out my book to write me the note ...to remember .
one more drive to the doctor with no more stops after i had 2 days of school ,shopping and errands with mum , knowing it would all soon come clear . I was told to stop driving directly after a neurological test and drove to mums ,told her what happend and she drove me on home .
This was the start of the of the lump being found and soon no more floating , I would come to the ground .
*Dedicated to Tiare * I love you.
.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Away , away ,...... from me .......
I'd put something down and forget where I had left it'''''''
away from 'me'
I start to talk to somone and with a jolt I'd realise the thought I had , had totally gone....... away from me
I'd trip down the stairs to go outside and madly grab the rail as I felt myself fall ,like a little old lady worried about her brittle bones ...terrified ..........away from me
I'd put a pot of rice on the stove stove and walk off and leave it until the smoke alarm beeped
-stopped cooking rice pretty quick '
away from me ........
Stopped cooking and cleaning and preening and ..well being me '
That me on the couch at 5 pm sleeping so deeply was......... going away from me
to the night times of floating of trying to surface from the suffocating fog that surrounded her, twisting and turning and whirling her body so she would not come back to the confusion and sadness of the first light of dawn ,that instance of awareness , I always yearned for a sign that it would just be a normal day ,but
I kept going......... away from'me'
away from 'me'
I start to talk to somone and with a jolt I'd realise the thought I had , had totally gone....... away from me
I'd trip down the stairs to go outside and madly grab the rail as I felt myself fall ,like a little old lady worried about her brittle bones ...terrified ..........away from me
I'd put a pot of rice on the stove stove and walk off and leave it until the smoke alarm beeped
-stopped cooking rice pretty quick '
away from me ........
Stopped cooking and cleaning and preening and ..well being me '
That me on the couch at 5 pm sleeping so deeply was......... going away from me
to the night times of floating of trying to surface from the suffocating fog that surrounded her, twisting and turning and whirling her body so she would not come back to the confusion and sadness of the first light of dawn ,that instance of awareness , I always yearned for a sign that it would just be a normal day ,but
I kept going......... away from'me'
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